Log in

No account? Create an account
entries friends calendar profile
I've been visiting my family of origin for the last month and a half. As I began this post, I remember that under this log in I am searchable. In the past this has made no difference and I considered it a perk as I hoped to one day earn my living writing. Jazzy Diva Grrl is my preferred log in across the web. I chose it almost twenty years ago when I was teaching motivation seminars and aromatherapy for stress management. It has stayed with me through most of my major life changes. Now, I give a second thought as to what I post under this handle.

At what point does it really not matter what other people think? When can my opinion be just that, my opinion and not be viewed as some form of rebellion against age old dogma? After a journey into the past, I am thankful to return home to peace and quiet. Every night I pray for guidance to open into my life's mission. Every morning I offer gratitude that I am awake, alive and aware. In between, I fill my days with reading, writing, thinking, and watching movies.

Today I am most thankful for relaxed moments. I am free from all manner of worry. Every now and then thoughts occur which could be disturbing, but I question their validity and finding no truth, I allow them to move on. I worked until I needed to walk away. I saved and for this time at home. I maintain my financial commitments and obligations. I am still doing what I love.

Winter has arrived, at last and with a vengeance. We went from fifty to twelve degrees. The shock is bone chilling. It is a perfect time to cuddle with a hot drink and good book. This is also a great time to imagine spring - to design a garden and search for seeds. I have many harvested from last seasons crop. This year I want to grow more - bigger and better.

I am not clear what the future holds, but I keep a list of the opportunities that arise. Today I found an internship for a photojournalist with the Community Urban League. There are a couple of positions with an organic grocer and I am even considering a part-time retail position. I'm just looking and thinking about what I might like to do next. The assigned task before me is to edit my novel. I haven't even read it. I'll set that for next week - to read it. Editing feels overwhelming today.

I am blessed to have the time and space to spend my winter hunkered down. Everyday, that is enough.


Tags: , ,
Current Mood: contemplative contemplative

Leave a comment
It feels like December will slip away if I don't get at it. The problem is, I am exhausted, so tend to be not getting much done. I sleep way too late and then can not sleep at night, again. I finally realized this morning that when I was working full time I used every free moment to the fullest. I kept a long list of what had to get done and hauled my ass out of bed at the butt-crack of dawn to get it done. Now, besides coming down from traveling, writing, and the holiday, I have time to be tired, to think about what to do next and there is no hurry, even though I still feel like I should be doing something.

I still make lists because there is so much to do and I prefer to be on track of what I am neglecting. This week a new item (actually a list) was added. I am traveling to tend my family of origin. I have never before returned to assist, support, help, or in anyway be of resource. I have the time, energy, and the will to go. However, I am sort of freaking out. The reasons for my sustained absence are numerous and will be visible in the next novel I write. But, I am going. I have packed some things I would like to share, food I bought to cook, and clothes in case I stay a while.

I will continue the play nice game and have been practicing saying, "Oh really?" and "Isn't that nice." and of course, "Is that a fact?" I'm bummed I can't find my flask. It holds eight ounces and if I stay I will need much of it, eventually. If I return I will be fine when I get home. And no, I cannot shop for liquor where I am going. Well, I could, but that would not be playing nice. And, I am showing up to help. I'm thinking I will take green tea vodka in a jasmine/green tea.

On a different note, I have had the opportunity to scream, shout, and rant about years of family injustice to someone who took the time and patience to hear me. I am very thankful. I didn't know I was still that angry or that I had that much shit left to carry on about.In the end, I declare, I am available by request, but not guilt or obligation.

I have two new stories started and the original idea for December is still on the board.

Tags: , ,
Current Mood: blah blah
Current Music: quiet

Leave a comment
Today was incredible rough for all kinds of reason and none of them of any importance to people with real life struggles. It began with the desire to complete my novel project before the deadline. I had 3,000 word left and not much story. Besides that, my doctor's office called yesterday at 4:53 PM to tell me the doctor ordered more lab test and had called a script into the pharmacy. Pissed off and put out, I explained that I had been in to see her weeks ago, had waited to hear back, had gone on vacation and that today was the last day of my insurance. "No insurance. Oh, well..." Good grief, so if I don't have insurance those test aren't important? The staff person says there are follow up test. Well, I know this. I have been dealing with it for years. I figured they are just as tired of thinking about my pain as I am so lets just move on. (While this sounds like a rant. And I do have several for the day. It is a great lesson.) I agreed to get the test today.

I walked to the closest facility to collect my meds and get the labs drawn. After waiting and passing me off, they could not figure out how to print the reqs. (Rant here!) I said never mind I would head to the actual office (out in BFE - Rant!) I walked back home and got my car to drive across town to The Doctor's Building (not mine), but changed my mind because I could feel another RANT coming on. Instead, I continued my trek and arrived where the orders had been entered. I almost went into the office (to relieve the previous day's rant) but passed and went directly to the lab.

I had a gentle rant about driving all that way out, and was "arrived" directly. Here's the good part:

The phlebotomist used to work the floor I left at the hospital. I immediately gave her a hug and say, "I quit my job." She responded, "Good for you!" She is the first person to respond with such glee. We talked about how blechy it was there and she said how happy she is here. Then she asked what I am doing. "Writing a novel." "So's my daughter, "she said and proceeded to tell me how her daughter had skyped with Oprah.

I'm so not an Oprah fan, but am all about people making their dreams come true. I used to love Iylanla, so we will just bless that situation and move on. Either way, her daughter is Kimberley and asked what she needed to do to believe she was a writer. Iylanla says get a pencil and write. Seems her issue is that she want to be famous. They both tell her to write because she loves writing. Then Oprah says, when she said she wanted to be an actress, her coach told her to quit her job, wait tables and go to casting calls. You want to act, act. Finally, Iylanya pulls out this decoupage plaque that says "Believe." (If you want to see it, search the 10/14/11 show around 40 minutes)

By this point I am just crying. I have B-e-l-i-e-v-e on my storm door. I have a tag hanging in my massage/meditation room. I spend my days believing for myself and others. I quit my job based on the belief that I am a writer and it makes a difference.

All things come together - the doctor's office, the labs, the facility that could not help, the drive across town, and a prior relationship renewed. I believe that there are great things in store for me. I open to receive them. (Even if I am on a rant. I am still moving.)

Please notice that my default pic up there says, "WINNER". I completed the 50,000 words. Today was the hardest. I love my characters and am so happy they have found each other and launched new adventures.

Blessed Be!

Remember to follow me at zaftigdiva.blogspot.com

Tags: , ,
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: Ticking clock

1 comment or Leave a comment
There's nothing like a grand plan. I love them and I make them. Now here I am with five days and 25,000 words to go. There were several days I didn't write. I can see the error of my way, now. It's not that I think I should have been writing as much as maybe if I kept pushing I wouldn't feel so strapped today. The problem is my premise changed.

I have three women who had a secret I designed. The problem is that they want to be friends, but fear that exposing this aspect of themselves will interfere or perhaps destroy their budding relationship. I could have started them out as friends, but didn't. They had to meet. Since I knew the secret, I could have offered it early. I thought I had, but it turns out they had different secrets to deal with other than the ones I designed.

Today we have a bit of a mess. One is really deluded. The other on the verge of being isolated. And the third, well she is either just way shut down, dishonest, or scared. In the end, they must face their hopes and fears, individually and with each other.

So, that's where I'm heading with this. I have five days and those words to wrap it up.

i quit my job to travel, write and drink beer. One and three are going great. Time to step up the writing for this novel.

For the rest of my works, check out zaftigdiva.blogspot.com

write on!

Tags: , ,
Current Mood: perplexed
Current Music: Prayer of St Francis

1 comment or Leave a comment

Ananda Balasana (Sanskrit Ananda –happy, blissful; bala – child; asana – pose)

Happy Baby Pose is a delightful way to both begin and end the day.  It’s a beginner pose available to almost everyone.  Benefits include opening the hips, chest and shoulders, lengthening the inner thighs and hamstrings, and releasing tension in the low back.  Happy Baby Pose slows the heart rate, calms the mind, and promotes relaxation.

v  Lying down with the knees bent, feet flat on the floor slightly wider than hip-width apart, rest with the palms up.

v  Bending the knees into the chest spread the knees to the outsides of the body.

v  Holding the shins (or back of thighs) with the hands gently press the knees toward the floor.

v  Reaching upward, grasp the outsides of the feet to enhance the stretch.

v  Pressing the buttocks toward the floor, lengthen the spine. 

v  Relaxing in the pose, breathe for five to seven breaths.

Adjustment can be made by keeping the feet together or using the peace fingers around the great toes in place of hand outside.

Play.  Roll side to side.  Move your legs.  Roll on the spine.  Laugh.  Be happy.

Tags: , , , , ,
Current Location: Columbia MO
Current Mood: delighted
Current Music: Lawn mowing and wind chimes

Leave a comment

“Hard Economic Times” seem to affect those who have lived in an extended fashion more than those who have managed their lives and finances close to the belt.  If while in the concept of plenty we are living large, enjoying the fruits of our labor, playing keep up and catch up with the Joneses, we can expect any type of economic crunch to become “hard economic times.” 

My thought this morning began as I was hanging the laundry in the bright sunlight.   Not about the clothes themselves, but the clothes pins.  We are marketed all kinds of bag closures – magnetic, giant plastic frames that say “chips,” “cereal,” or “bread.”   If we were to look around we could save our precious dollars and use what we have – clothes pins, paper clips, binder clips, anything used to hold things together.  Mostly we have to look around.

We (Americans) have become content to watch the news and forget that we are a part of the world.  Our attention is heighted only as we feel the effects of economic stress personally.  So the fact that the rest of the world has been dealing with wheat and rice shortages, rioting even, doesn’t hit home until Sam’s Club and Costo limit bulk purchases of rice (and it makes the evening news, even though it is a sham).  The price of wheat affects the price of beer.  The cost of fuel – petro - becomes evident in the cost of all staples - bread, milk, anything moved down the road by vehicle to the grocer.

So, it’s time to tighten our buckles, yes?  Perhaps for many, but let’s visit the others who have lived within their means.  As this is subjective, I will define “means” my way.  In my opinion, living within one’s means, includes giving, saving, and expenses that stay below 80% of the net income.  Sad that we are able to borrow based on the gross, but must pay back based on the net.  Understandably, there are expenses that arise and reach into the formula, except that giving and saving must stay systematic. 

Giving acknowledges that we belong to a world greater than the one we face on a daily basis.  Giving reminds us that we have the means and opportunity to support others.  Giving can restore our sense of humanity and community.  We give in love out of self interest, knowing that as we give to others we give to ourselves. 

Saving allows us a little extra cover.  Imagine crawling into bed with the blankets and sheets that reach over the sides.  When you turn in the night, the warmth stays around you.   That’s savings.  It’s not about the amount, but rather, the intention of setting aside for another time, different choice, or next opportunity.

The net income is what we started with, having shared appropriately with the federal, state, and local governments (parking, dues, insurance, and retirement – maybe).  I am positive it takes a great deal of forethought to maintain balance between what one earns and what one spends.  We are inundated with choices, opportunities and pressure to hand over our hard earned cash.  Find absolutely no judgment here regarding how your money is spent.  I have plenty of spending errors I am correcting as I clear my space.  However, in being thoughtful of the economic front we must at least bring our attention and awareness to how, when, where and what we spent.

Take a moment to honestly examine where the money goes.  Rediscover your cash like a long lost lover.  Explore its value; inhale its essence; admire the remembered pleasure.  Think, “Would I give you over so freely, again?”  Without holding both the value of our cash and what it takes to receive it we allow money to slip through our fingers unnoticed, unaware.

“Hard economic times” will have less impact on those who become and remain mindful of both their needs and the resources to meet them.  As we bring focus on our behaviors we have the first tool for change.  Hard economic times require change.

Tags: , , ,
Current Location: home
Current Mood: contemplative contemplative
Current Music: wandering children just awake

1 comment or Leave a comment
Hello Raven...

May you be grounded in gratitude as you celebrate your Being - Here. Now.

Love to you and yours.


1 comment or Leave a comment
It's been forever since I last posted.  I joined Live Journal looking for contacts around yoga, teaching, sharing, being.  every now and then I check in on my friends just to catch up with their lives as we journal in our own spaces.  

For me, here and now, life is grand.  I hope that I will share that same response whenever we met as I practice continually letting of my attachment to how I think things ought to be.  In the past year, I spent a good deal of time looking for another job and visioning how I wanted that work to look.  I had an opportunity to interview for what seemed to be an ideal position, until I opened my ears and heart (listened).  I am thankful for the experience of the search and response, yet honor the place where I am.

In my pictures you can view my delightful new blessing - Desiree.  She is precious beyond beyond.  I was present as she crossed into this realm and have been able to share time and space with her daily.  Staying in this particular job allows me to be ever present in her life in a stressfree supportive fashion.  She and Samantha, her mom, are doing well and enjoy the peace that comes loving support and having ones needs met.

I still share yoga on Tuesdays and Sundays.   I am learning how to show up in different ways for the variety of students that present to class.  There are times on the mat that I am working out who I am and other times when I so clearly know.  We practice yoga on the map.  We live yoga off the mat.  I am thankful for the present journey.  

Perhaps this is the best place to end this note.  I am this content, this pleased, this blessed.  My life it full.


Current Location: Work
Current Mood: thankful thankful

1 comment or Leave a comment
A note of encouragement for those wishing to begin a yoga practice:
As yoga is the union of mind-body-breath, one of the first places to begin is bringing awareness to the body.
Today I offer that while this can be incorporated at any time and any where, we will start in bed.
The night before, purpose to wake earlier that usual.  Any amount to time will do and can be increased as one's practice extends.
On awakening, notice the body - it's sensations.  Rest in the sensations without shifting to change them.  Observe and be aware.  (If one must race to morning elimination, by all means, go.  Return to the bed.)
Find the breath.  Bring awareness to the inhaling through the nose.  Resting at the bottom, sip an extra breath in.  Exhaling, pull the belly toward the spine.  Puff out a bit more.  Letting the belly fall concave, prepare for the next  expansion.  Continue attending the breath for eight cycles.
In these moments allow the mind to be completely occupied by inhaling and exhaling.
Choose an open relaxed posture or pose such as corpse/relaxation (knees bend as needed), reclining bound angle.

Here is a gentle set of poses before leaving bed:
Corpse pose
Knees standing (feet flat on bed)
Reclining abdominal twist (right)
Knees standing
Reclining abdominal twist (left)
Knees standing
Unwinding pose (knees to chest - hand on back of thighs)
Knees standing
Reclining bound angle (knees to the side - sole of feet together)
Knees standing
Corpse pose


Breath work is incorporated so that opening the body brings the breath in, while folding, closing the body releases the breath.  "Knees standing" is the inhale.   The following poses. exhale.

May the joy of these opening moments carry you gently through your day.



Tags: , ,
Current Location: Home
Current Music: NPR

2 comments or Leave a comment